Sex - You Asked The Question!
As part of our Let’s Talk series we received a number of questions on Sunday morning that we were not able to answer during the service. Here are the questions we missed and our brief responses.
To Listen to the Sermon Click Here
Where does a Christian go for counselling for deeper sexual issues?
There are a number or wonderful counsellors in town who are able to walk with you through some of the deeply personal matters related to sex and sexuality. Here are a few groups we are able to recommend
Journey Canada
Journey Canada is a community-based, Christ-centred discipleship ministry that exists to help people find hope and live life through experiencing Jesus in their relationships and sexuality.
email: okanagan@journeycanada.org
Third Space Foundation
Third Space has a wide variety of faith based professionally trained counsellors that are equipped to walk people through a wide variety of issues related to sexual addiction, abuse, trauma and a variety of relationship matters.
Can you have sexual immortality between a married man and woman only
I am of the opinion that most of us carry some form of sexual brokenness, whether we are married, single, young or old. We’ve been (mis)shaped by our culture and have experienced brokenness from our own mistakes or at the hand of another person or simply from being bombarded by the media.
Sexual immorality isn’t a term we use often in our culture, but it is a term we find in scripture. It is the Greek word pornia. Quite literally it means, “to sell off sexual purity.” It’s the idea that you have something precious, but you just sell it off, give it away, without regard. So yes, we’re all subject to that kind of thing.
How does a couple flourish in their sexuality when they are not experiencing mutuality?
For the sake of those who didn’t hear the message, I spoke on Sunday about 3 things that help us flourish in our sexuality: Intensity, Restraint, and Mutuality (listen for more context). There are times in a relationship where a couple isn’t experiencing mutuality, whether it is because of differing levels of the sex-drive or because of other relationship matters.
I would say that there is no flourishing without mutuality. And I’m sure that doesn't come a surprise to you. So I guess the question then becomes “how can I experience a greater measure of mutuality in my marriage?” It’s the right question to ask. And it must be answered together.
Many marriages experience problems in the living room long before they experience problems in the bedroom. What I mean is that many couples have not developed good, healthy, consistent patters of communication in the regular things of life, and this real life disconnect spills over to the bedroom.
Mutuality in the marriage bed is built through healthy communication in the living room. Not simply talking about the weather, but about God, and yes, about sex. Some couples need help in this area of communication, and would benefit from meeting with a pastor or another trained counsellor.
What about gay, transgender, intersex, or asexual people? (especially in light of last week's Orlando tragedy and the church's dismissive reaction)
When I read about the Orlando shooting I was horrified and saddened. Through I don’t know anyone affected personally, my heart broke, just like yours did, I’m sure.
I think the media really likes to play up a “dismissive reaction” as you have put it — it does happen. It makes for a provocative story. But what I saw were many, many, many, Christian people (many of whom do not believe that God does not affirm homosexuality) mourning with those who mourn. These Christians were offering help, support, love, and prayers - presumably because they knew it is what Jesus would do.
Compassion, embrace, love, and holding onto the truth of God in Scripture is the way forward in all things….
How should we approach or interact with folks who are single and choose to be so without a desire to marry or have a sexual relationship considering your comment that God desire us you unite in marriage?
To be clear, in the message I did not say that God desires us to unite in marriage. I did say that the only appropriate context for sex is the life-long committed relationship of marriage. The reason for this is because marriage is the only context where the bonding power of sex can do what it does without causing damage.
But I totally understand the question. I’ve wrestled with understanding how singleness fits in with what the Bible says about sex and marriage. What we can be certain about is that sex (and marriage for that matter) is not necessary for someone to have a full and fulfilling life. In 1 Corinthians 7 the Apostle Paul advocates for singles to remain single. His reason was because singles would be better suited to live a life focused on Jesus and his mission.
I think it important to notice too that the early church was counter-cultural in their embrace of single people. During the first Century the Roman government gave benefits to widows who remarried and imposed fines on those who didn’t because being single was a “strain on the system.” Not so in the early church. The unmarried were embraced and honoured on account of their status. The early church tended to live in larger household groups made up of people of various ages and stages in life. Everyone belonged and had a vital part to play in the family. I pray we recapture this vision of the early church, where married or single, everyone belongs and has a vital roll to play. We need to stop treating singleness like a disease to be cured and begin to treat the real disease, loneliness.
What are some books or resources can you direct me to?
Keep Your Love On: Connection, Communication, and Boundaries by Danny Silk
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman, PhD. and Nan Silver
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary D. Chapman
Fit to be Tied: Making Marriage Last a Lifetime by Bill & Lynne Hybels
Love After Marriage: A Journey into Deeper Spiritual, Emotional, and Sexual Oneness by Barry and Lori Byrne
Before the Ring: Questions Worth Asking by William L. Coleman (Premarital focus)
Loving on Purpose by Danny and Sheri Silk
The Challenge Of The Disciplined Life: Christian Reflections On Money, Sex, And Power by Richard Foster
The Marriage Course by Nicky and Sila Lee (also The Marriage Preparation Course)
Divine Sex: A Compelling Vision for Christian Relationships in a Hypersexualized Age by Jonathan Grant
Pornography